I wanna be a contender

I have a new ambition. I want to be a high Republican official – a legislator or governor or attorney general.

What a great gig! You can lie freely, and your “base” will lap it up.

You can twist information to your heart’s content, and nobody outside of those nasty media folks and a few Democrats will ever question your newfound “facts.”

People will applaud when you claim that the Jan. 6 coup attempt was just a stroll across the lawn.

People will cheer when you compare mask mandates to Nazi oppression.

“Go, go, go!” people will chant when you want to ban books that may offend somebody you want to vote for you.

Bucketloads of money will flow your way when you say Trump won.

You can do anything you want and say anything you want, and nobody gives a fig because you are a Republican, God’s gift to the future of the planet – hell, God’s gift to the whole solar system.

Move over, Ted Cruz.

Give me room, Roger Marshall.

Shut up and learn, Josh Hawley.

Look in your rear-view mirror, all you clowns in the Missouri capitol – and this means you, Parson and Schmitt.

Duck, you suckers in the Kansas crowd – far too many to mention.

Look out, Abbott and Costello (I mean, DeSantis)! I’m coming your way!

So that’s my new ambition. I want to be another scum-sucking liar who’s proud to hang my hat under the GOP banner.

Sorry, all you Republicans who remember when your party stood for honesty and genuine patriotism and all those other quaint notions. Your day is done. This is the new GOP. Get your brown shirt now before the price goes even higher.